A Shameful Development-Toddlers and Shame

Read about being a mother of 12 as our resident 'Supermom' shares her wise parenting advice.

"Cutie Pie, where are you?" I called to my oldest daughter, the first child of what would become my large family of 12 children.

I heard a grunt coming from the direction of my daughter's closet

I thought I heard a grunt coming from the direction of my daughter's closet, in her bedroom. 'Oh no!' I thought, realizing that she was sans diaper, because I was treating her nasty diaper rash by letting her go naked. I had a feeling she was having a bowel movement on the floor of her bedroom closet.

Of late, my daughter had taken to having her movements in hiding. I'd look for her because I could no longer hear the usual sound of her playing with her toys. Instead, I'd find her squatting behind the big recliner chair in our living room and in other places where she could find a bit of shelter from prying eyes.

Most of the time, this was of no consequence to me, since she was wearing a diaper. I'd noticed the seeming need for privacy and thought this spoke to my daughter's development of modesty; a healthy type of shame, I'd supposed. I did wonder if this behavior signified a readiness to toilet train and had filed away the thought to discuss with David, our pediatrician.

I knew reassuring her was more important than getting the closet cleaned up

I didn't want to upset my daughter's privacy, but I was concerned about her making a mess in the closet. Feeling a bit stupid, I knocked on the closet door, which was, indeed, ajar. I could hear her panting and grunting as I opened the door just a bit. Sure enough, she was squatting and finishing up having a bowel movement on the floor of the closet. She looked downcast as I discovered her and though I was a bit dismayed at finding a mess, I knew reassuring her was more important than getting the closet cleaned up.

I swooped up my daughter and made my way into the bathroom with her, as I murmured words of comfort. "That's okay, we'll just clean you off and you can go back to your toys," I told her. She looked up at me with her amazing eyes, so dark blue I described them to friends as 'cobalt'. She was trying to gauge my reaction to her perceived misdeed. I kissed her forehead and told her she was a big girl. I patted her dry and sent her off to find her dolly. I remembered wondering if I had done everything necessary to reassure her.